Ask Jay: Butt stuff, baby oil, and Valentine's Day

Hello and welcome to another session of Ask Jay. I'm Jay, a sex-positive, kink-positive fellow from Nova Scotia. I'm here to answer your pressing questions. Let's not waste any time and dive into the sea of naughty knowledge!

But, first asks: I want to try some butt play stuff with my boyfriend, but a couple of my friends say that if you put anything in your back door now you'll poop yourself when your older and have to wear a diaper. Is this true? I've heard it a bunch of times before so I don't know?

Jay answers: Congratulations on your new interest. I believe you and your boyfriend will have a lot of fun exploring butt play together.

The good news is you can enjoy regular butt play (putting tongues, fingers, toys, a penis, etc) into your bottom and it will not cause continence problems down the road. The idea of you pooping yourself when you're older because you tried butt play is a myth.

In fact, it's a myth I sometimes wonder about. I mean, what were the origins to this idea that enjoying butt play in your younger years is fine, right up until you hit old age and then, suddenly, you need to start wearing diapers? Did someone visit their grandmother in the old folks home and ask her about why she was wearing a diaper? I like the picture the exchange like this:
Granddaughter: Grandma, why do you wear a diaper?

Grandmother: Oh, I dunno, sweetie. Maybe I let your grandpa poked my keester one too many times? Best be wary of that sort of thing.
Grandma was a freak.

Apologies, I'm getting off track. The fact is, your back door is controlled by muscles which tighten (to close) and relax (to open). Opening or closing your anal opening is a little like opening and closing your hand or wiggling your toes. Having anal sex (or related activities) isn't going to cause your bottom to stop working any more than learning to play guitar will prevent you from making a first in your later years.

Think about it this way: most people have bowel movements around once a day, which involves relaxing, and then tightening again, the same muscles you'd engage during anal play. Yet no one worries that pooping now (daily even!) is going to cause problems 50 years down the road. It's just that sex is naughty and taboo in the minds of some people so some folks like to make up fake consequences to "punish" naughty sex-havers to scare them. Don't be scared, enjoy your awesome butt play!

I will add though that while anal sex isn't going to haunt you later in life, you should be careful in the way you enjoy it here and now. Not out of fear for having a weak sphincter, but because rough anal play (or anal play which does not involve enough lube) can hurt and tear your muscles.

Go slow, take your time. Use lots of lube. Start out with small objects, like a finger or small butt plug first. Gradually work up to larger items. Always stop if what you're doing hurts. You can wait a day and try again later, with more foreplay and more lube.

You may be interested in checking out our previous articles about anal sex (which is applicable for men and women) and butt plugs.

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Oh baby asks: The guy I'm dating wants to use baby oil as lube - is this safe?

Jay answers: No, it's not safe. I can see the logic your guy is using. Lube is slippery, baby oil is slippy, therefore we can use baby oil as lube. It's fairly sound reasoning.

The problem though is baby oil, in its various forms (baby oil is a family of products, not one specific product), can have a range of different chemicals in it. Sometimes baby oil has something in it to help moisturize the skin, sometimes something added to make it smell good, sometimes there are plant extracts in it to sooth itchy skin. Not all of these chemicals will get along with the ecosystem inside your body.
Good for your skin, not your sex life.

I get asked various versions of this question from time to time - whether it's safe to use coconut oil, soap, baby oil, hand cream, and so on as lube. None of these are designed to go inside your body. It can throw off a person's internal pH balance, it can lead to bacteria build-up, or an infection.

I recommend getting a proper lube, ideally a water-based lube as it's likely to be the least offensive to your body and the least harmful to any sex toys (like vibrators) you may have.


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Happy V-day asks: How do I give my wife a Valentine's Day she'll never forget? We're both tired of the standard flowers and dinner, I want to do something different!

Jay answers: Kudos on your initiative! It's wonderful that the romantic spark lives inside you. A lot of people claim the romance fades after marriage, but here you are, working to up your game! More people should follow this example.

I asked my partner, Elle, for her feedback on this. She said, "Clean the house and get the wife a massage." So I know what she wants for Valentine's Day.
She also wants one of these.

Personally, I feel that romance isn't specifically about one thing - it's not specifically candies and flowers. Romance is about identifying what your partner desires and giving it to them out of love. In Elle's case, she wants a clean house and a professional massage because she's busy and under stress. What do you feel your wife truly wants right now?

Has she dropped hints about wanting to try a new restaurant? Does she have her eye on a fancy dress she wants to wear somewhere nice? Does your wife ever talk about how much she wants... I dunno... a tropical fish, to sing karaoke with you on stage, to get away to a hotel for a weekend? Has she ever mentioned wanting to take classy boudoir photos or jump out of an airplane together? Does she wish you could find someone to look after the kids for a full weekend so you two can have the house to yourselves and have sex in the living room? In my experience, a big part of being romantic is listening to my partner when she's mentioning things in passing and making her desires happen even after she's forgotten she mentioned them.
Chocolate, Brad Pitt, and a unicorn?

Personally, I think it would be a romantic and sexy idea to go shopping for a dress and lingerie together and book a boudoir photoshoot, either at home or in a hotel. Don't make this a surprise, tell her your plan in advance - it's not sexy to have a photographer show up and surprise your wife when she hasn't had time to do her hair and nails. Tell her how much you'd like to do something out of the ordinary and make sure she likes the idea. Then suggest you get printed copies of these snapshots, capturing a time when you're both young, beautiful, and happy that will last for ever.

Best of luck. Feel free to let us know what you came up with and how your V-day plans go. I'll hope to hear from you on the 15th of February.


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Darth Kink asks: Ok, so I'm in a relationship with someone I am super in love with. We've been a couple for a few years and have talked about and tried all kinds of different bedroom stuff. The problem: I'm into outfits, getting tied up, spanking, and all of that and he just isn't. He's super happy with regular old foreplay and sex. He's tried everything I like a few times and it just doesn't do it for him... Any advice on how to bring him over to the dark side?

Jay answers: First, I feel it's important to acknowledge that it's great your partner was willing to try things you're into, even if he wasn't. Exploring kinks when it's not his thing showed an open-mindedness and willingness to do something just to make you happy. I applaud that he was open to trying new things. It's unfortunate your kinky experiments didn't spark something in him, but I'm glad you two got a chance to try those activities together.

What happens next, whether you're able to bring him over to the "dark side" or not, may depend on a few things. Let's look at some possibilities.
Choking is definitely a dark side kink.

Scenario One: Let's assume your partner is open to occasionally engaging in kink. It may not be his thing, but maybe he's okay with it occasionally. Perhaps you can agree to vanilla foreplay and sex most of the time if he agrees to spice things up for you once or twice a month. He may never identify as being kinky, but perhaps he can get on board with pleasing you with the occasional spanking session or rope bondage.

In this scenario he ends up putting in a bit more work and you don't get as much kink in your life as you'd like, but you get to be naughty sometimes. Maybe you two can meet in the middle?

Scenario Two: Maybe your partner is mostly vanilla, but does have some fantasy buried in him. Perhaps you can invite him to talk about his hidden desires. Ask him if there is something special he'd like to do to you, or have you do to him. Ask him if he'd like a threesome, or vanilla sex but in a semi-public place. Does he want to try anal play, enjoy sex with a friend while you watch tied to the bed, does he want to watch you do a strip tease?
He probably won't mind this.

Tell him you'd like him to share, with no judgement, and see if he opens up. Maybe you two will discover new activities to try together, something that sparks new exploration.

Scenario Three: Some people aren't particularly into kink, but can find things they like about participating in kinks which draw them in and make them happy to participate. Your partner might not become kinky himself, but could appreciate doing things with you that fulfill your fantasies.

As an example, when I met Elle she wasn't into spanking. But I offered to give her a back rub during a spanking scene. She got to relax and have her shoulders rubbed while I made her bottom rosy and it was a win-win. A few months later she was shopping for her own paddles. Maybe you and your partner can find something similar?

What if some evenings were "you cook, he spanks" nights at your house? What if he buys you new outfits you find hot and in return you do something extra nice for him he likes? Right now your partner might see kink as just something he does "for you". But it's possible to shift the balance so he feels he's getting just as much out of the scenario as you are, if you two can come to agreement on what you both want. He might come to look forward to tying you up if he knows he's going to get something special in return, whether it's sexual or otherwise.
Just a suggestion.

Scenario Four: Some people just are not interested in kinks and, no matter how open minded they are to trying things, don't feel the spark we do. Some people will just never get excited at the idea of tying up their partner and spanking them with the nearest kitchen utensil. If your partner falls into this category it can be challenging. Obviously you love him and you also want to get a special sort of desire addressed.

Some couples face this challenge and one possible solution (if your partner goes along with the idea) is to find a kink buddy. You may be able to find someone who is into the same things you are who won't interfere with your existing relationship.

A friend of mine, for example, is super into spanking, but the spark just isn't there with her boyfriend. So once every few weeks she invites a friend over. They chat, he spanks her, they hang out for a bit, then he goes home. She doesn't have sex with the kink friend, that's reserved for my friend and her boyfriend to enjoy together. The kink buddy is just there for the impact play, for the fetish activities. She takes her sexual energy, which is probably amped up by the kink experience, home to her partner.

When I showed your note (anonymously) to Elle, our shared reaction was "All those activities sound great! When can she come over?" Obviously we don't know you, so it was half joking, but we do know people (friends we've gotten to know) who will come over to experience an evening of kinks and then go home to their partner for sex, cuddles, and companionship. The kink becomes a hobby that the person engages in on their own. Having this outlet sates them so they can focus on enjoying all the other great aspects of their relationship with their partner.

Anyway, if nothing else works to entice your partner to engage in kinks more, maybe talk to him and see if he'd be okay with you having a kink buddy. Maybe he'd be okay with watching while you get tied up by someone else? Maybe he'd be fine with you having a monthly night out for kinks while he enjoys his own hobbies at home?
Enjoy getting tied up tonight, honey.

I hope, whatever solution you two find, that you continue to be super in love and stay open to each others' desires. Best of luck to both of you!