Ask Jay: distracted by cam girls and opening up a relationship

Hello friendly folks! I'm Jay, a sex-positive, kinky lad from Nova Scotia. I'm here to answer your questions and explore all topics relating to sex, relationships, and kinky conundrums. Let's take a peek at what's been in my inbox lately.

He seems distracted asks: Lately the sex life with my husband has fizzled. We still get along and everything, but we just haven't had sex in months. Lately I found out he's been staying up late, not to work but to chat with girls online. Apparently he has "sessions" with cam girls couple of times a week to get off.

Honestly, I don't mind him finding other ways to enjoy himself, it's just that I'm feeling left out. Anytime I suggest we get busy he doesn't seem interested. Here I am, the real thing, right upstairs so why is he spending money talking to girls offline when I've told him I'm ready to go?

Jay answers: First, I'd like to applaud your open and positive reaction to your husband enjoying private time with cam girls. The fact you seem okay with him exploring ways to be stimulated and enjoy himself, even if it involves other people is a level-headed response to this new knowledge.

You didn't say how you learned about your husband's new hobby - whether he told you, you noticed a charge on the credit card bill, or if you found evidence on his computer. I bring this up because how you found out will probably put a different spin on the next step. The next step being talking to him about it.
Hopefully on good terms.

You have questions - very reasonable questions, about your sex life, your desires, his interests, and where he is focusing his sexual energies. You asked me why he's spending money to see girls do things on camera when he could be doing things with you in your bedroom. I don't know the answer, but he does and I think it's reasonable for you to ask him.

Maybe he's been feeling stressed and chatting with strangers on-line is a no-risk way for him to unwind. Maybe he's seeking some variety. Maybe he's having trouble getting into a sexual headspace and doesn't want to risk disappointing you. Maybe he thinks you're upstairs because you want time to yourself and he's trying to release his urges without interrupting your private time.
I don't want to interrupt her bliss with my penis.

While I can toss theories at the wall, I can't answer for sure. You're going to have to ask him. This may be awkward if you found out yourself he was enjoying time with cam girls rather than having him tell you. However, if you can address this fact without judgement (which it sounds like you can), let him know you'd like to be having more sex (hopefully by making it an invitation rather than a demand), and ask him what he's getting out of the cam experience. Then I believe you two can come up with a way to get more of both of your desires met.

Maybe you'll find out he likes getting them to dress a certain way, or maybe he was worried about rejection, or maybe he thought you weren't interested in his advances. Or maybe neither of you have been feeling a spark lately. Whatever it is, sharing what you both want, what fuels both your desires, will go a long way toward bridging the gap. Hopefully the conversation will spark something and you two can be back in the bedroom (and picking out new toys or lingerie together) soon. Best of luck!

* * * * *

Opening the door a crack asks: My husband and I have been in a rut and not having sex much. Recently I mentioned wanting to date someone new and he suggested we try opening up our marriage. This sounds exciting because I've missed sex, but also scary. Any pointers?

Jay answers: This is a new and interesting opportunity, hopefully for both of you. Something I'd like to mention up front is that opening up an existing relationship usually doesn't fix past problems. You may find that the new energy and excitement from getting to date someone new makes you feel really good for a while, which is great. But that doesn't cure any of the ailments with your existing marriage.

If you two have a happy marriage, apart from the lack of sex (or variety when it comes to sex) then opening things up can certainly help with that! However, if there are other issues (ongoing arguments, frustrations, stresses which caused you to stop having sex) then opening up won't fix those. If anything it is likely to bring those concerns to the surface. Opening up a relationship often magnifies both the good and bad aspects of the relationship, it rarely cures anything.
Oh so that's what you like!

Keep in mind both of you will experiencing new things, new feelings, new excitements, new fears, maybe jealousy. You two will need to have some frank discussions about limits, scheduling dates, negotiating where those dates take place. You'll need to talk about whether other people you get involved with are just casual flings or serious romantic partners. You'll need to discuss whether you two are opening things up to go on dates separately, or together as a couple. You will need to discuss safe sex - when and where to use condoms.

In short, a lot of clear, honest communication is going to need to happen in order for opening your relationship to work.

Previously I wrote out a list of things to consider when opening up a relationship and I think that would be a good place to start. I recommend you both read it, take some notes about things you two want to discuss. Make sure neither of you are making assumptions about what this is going to look like. If you're hoping to have one-on-one time with a new lover in his vacation cottage and your husband is hoping to have casual threesomes with you and another woman, then it's important learn that and sort out the differences before you two open up things.