Does Size Matter?, Kink Terminology, Asking About Vaccine Status

Hello and welcome to another fun edition of Ask Jay. I'm Jay, a sex-positive fellow from Nova Scotia, who delights in answering your questions. Speaking of your questions, let's get right to them!

Bigger and better asks: Does size really matter?

Jay answers: There are some circumstances when size matters. Any tall person who has ever tried to sit in an airplane seat and anyone who has gone shoe shopping can attest to that. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you're specifically asking about penis size.

I've asked a number of people, mostly women, whether size matters to them. The overwhelming response was that: no, size doesn't matter. There were a few who said size did matter, but the majority opinion was that size doesn't matter.

With that said, I've occasionally heard the same women talk about the size of their dates, muse over whether the guy they matched with on a dating platform was packing-in-the-pants, and share pictures of surprisingly well endowed gentlemen with their friends. Which might make one wonder why all the excitement over a trouser python when they feel sized doesn't matter?

Imagine for a moment that I've just told you that you've won a brand new car. Do you really care what colour it is? You're probably wondering if you can fit your whole family inside, what the gas mileage is, whether you'll need to pay taxes on this prize, and what its safety rating is... Way down the list of considerations you might wonder what colour it is, but that's a minor detail and not really important. Most of the women I've talked to about cock calibre feel the same way about their lover's penis.
I'm as excited as she is.


Women tell me they worry about finding a guy who won't harm them, who has a job, who isn't a slob around the house, who will go down on them, who knows how to cook, who will share his feelings with them, and who is creative in bed. A penis of particular proportions may be a nice bonus, but it's so far down on the list of priorities that it is barely a consideration. They high-five their friends over impressive penises the same way I appreciate red sport cars - they look nice, but given the chance to get one for free who is going to worry about the colour?

Another thing several people (again, mostly women) have shared with me is there is such a thing as too large. The ladies I've talked to about their dream dick have all basically said they like the idea of a penis that is big enough to reach their G-spot (a sensitive internal spot typically an inch or so inside the vaginal opening), but not so big that it's going to ram into their cervix (a sensitive spot at the far end of the vagina). In other words, the big ones may look impressive, but in a practical sense they see the benefit of having something in the average range.

Too much of a good thing.

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Tip top terminology asks: I've been reading up on kink and am wondering if there is a difference between a Top and a Dom? The terms seem to be used the same way, but maybe I'm missing something?

Jay answers: In the kink community there are a number of terms that are used to identify roles people take on with their kink partner(s). Some of the more commonly used terms are Top, Dom (or Domme, the feminine form), Sub, and Bottom. While some people will use Top and Dom (or Sub and Bottom) almost interchangeably, there is a distinct difference.

The term dom (or domme) is shorthand for a dominant person. A dom is the person who makes decisions and decides what will be done. This isn't to say they have absolute power, but within the mutually agreed upon boundaries and mutually agreed upon activities, they are the leaders in a kink scene. They are like movie directories, telling people what to do.

A submissive (or sub) is the person being directed. A submissive has agreed to hand over leadership and some decision making to the dom. Within the bounds of what they have agreed upon, the sub follows the lead and direction of the dom.
Imagine the confused janitor who cleans up all the hay in this office.

A top is a person who does things to another person in a scene. Whatever is happening in the scene - whether it's massage, spanking, tying up another person - the top is the person doing the thing. The bottom is the person having the thing - spanking, massage, being tied up - done to them. The bottom is the receiver of the action.

Often times, in an ongoing relationship between a dom and a sub, the dominant person acts as a top in their scenes. The dom might decide, for example, "I'm going to tie you up" and then tie up the other person. In this instance, the dom is also the top - they are both deciding what to do and doing it. In this scenario the submissive (the person agreeing to be tied up) is also the bottom (the person being tied).

Since doms often act as tops in a scene, the terms are sometimes used interchangeably. However, they don't quite mean the same thing. There are times when two people will get together and agree to do a scene (rope suspension, spanking, or pet play) and agree to actions performed. In this case the scene will have a top and a bottom, but no one is taking the lead or directing how the scene plays out. This means there is no dom or sub involved as no one is handing over control to the other.

If all of this seems complicated, that is okay. Most of the time you can get away with using either "top" or "dom" and people will understand what you mean. The difference usually only becomes significant when negotiating scenes with more than two people or when getting into detailed discussions with people about their kinky relationship dynamics.

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Timing is everything asks: When is the right time to ask a date about their COVID and vaccination status?

Jay answers: I'd say after initial introductions, but before the masks come off.