Better living through toys asks: I've recently started dating someone new and I'm not sure how to tell them this thing... it's embarrassing to admit, but how do I let my partner know that I only orgasm with sex toys?
Jay answers: Congratulations on your new relationship! It's always nice to feel that rush of discovery and new connection.
First, I'd like to say that I don't think there is anything embarrassing about reaching orgasm using toys, or even reaching orgasm only when using toys. A lot of people, particularly women, have difficulty reaching orgasm without some sort of additional stimulation. Many women don't reach orgasm from penetrative sex and need something more, whether it's oral sex, manual stimulation, or a vibrator. There is nothing wrong with this and no reason you should feel shame or embarrassment. You happen to be one of the millions of people who require a toy to get off.
As for how to share this bit of information with your partner, I recommend keeping it simple and matter of fact. Tell them something like "I like a lot of stimulation to reach orgasm. In fact, I usually don't come without using one of my toys. So I'd like to use one later with you."
Most people, at least anyone you'll want to have sex with, should be okay with this and maybe even positive about it. I mean, getting to play with a new toy is fun, right? You mentioned feeling embarrassed that you use a toy to get off, but this is exciting! You get to find new ways to incorporate a toy into your sex life with this new partner! You get to show them how you like it held, how much pressure to use. Maybe you can put on a little demonstration for them and they can watch and touch themselves while you use the toy? If you have more than one toy, you could have your partner blindfold you and pick out which toy they'll use on you that day. There are lots of possibilities that'll be hot and exciting! This reliance on toys for orgasms isn't a liability, it's a fun asset to explore together.
One word of caution I'd like to share is that some people (often, in my experience, men) see making their partner come as a sort of badge of honour. Some may even see the fact you don't come without a vibrator as a challenge. They may want to prove they can make you come without a toy. In my opinion there isn't anything wrong with letting them try, as long as they keep it positive and fun for you. But the moment a partner's ego seems challenged or you're not enjoying what they're doing or you feel pressure to orgasm, my suggestion is to call a stop to the experiment. Let you partner know, gently and firmly, that you using a toy to get off isn't about them or their skills, it's about you and what you need.
* * * * *Nervous about their first toy asks: I want to try a sex toy, but I'm super nervous about buying one. What should I do if I'm nervous about buying a toy?
Jay answers: I have two different pieces of advice, depending on why you are nervous about buying your toy. If you're feeling shy or embarrassed about walking into a store and purchasing a toy, then buying on-line is ideal. When you're purchasing toys on-line there isn't any sales clerk to talk to and no chance of bumping into someone you know as you step out of the store. If you're new to purchasing toys on-line I have written some tips in a previous blog post to help guide you through the process.
On the other hand, if you're nervous about picking out the right toy rather than walking into a shop, then this is a great chance to meet the friendly staff at your local toy store. The people at Indulgence are more than happy to answer questions, make recommendations, talk to you about what is popular these days, and what is ideal for a beginner.
If you're in the unenviable position of being both nervous about picking the right toy and shy about walking into a toy shop, then feel free to call or message Indulgence. We can still help you pick out a good toy which you can then purchase on-line to avoid any embarrassing interactions.
By the way, you're in good company. Millions of people own sex toys. They're mainstream these days and quite popular. Chances are half the people you pass on the street own one. Buying sex toys is almost as common as buying a watch or a pair of shoes these days and a heck of a lot more fun!
* * * * *Addicted to love asks: A friend told me you can get addicted to vibrators. How often is it safe to use a sex toy?
Jay answers: First, regarding what your friend said, vibrators can feel amazing and any positive stimulation (whether it's from food, drugs, vibrators, or social media) can be habit forming. However, there is a bit of a jump from a pleasant habit to a full on addiction that is difficult, even painful, to break.
I suspect your friend has heard that, following frequent vibrator use, some people find it difficult to orgasm without using their vibrator. People can grow accustomed to a certain type of stimulation getting them off and it can be hard to reach orgasm without the stimulation to which your body is accustomed. I sometimes hear from guys who masturbated a lot with a firm grip before they got a girlfriend and they struggle to reach orgasm without using their hand. Women sometimes run into a similar situation if they use a specific toy a lot or are accustomed to getting off in a specific position every time.
The good news is it's possible to un-condition (or re-condition) your body to appreciate and react to new stimulations. Usually this involves putting a hold on getting off the "old way" and trying to get off in new ways - with new toys, methods, or positions. After a while the urge to orgasm coaxes your body into accepting the new approach and then you grow to like and get turned on by the new method. You can avoid falling into a rut by mixing up which position, toy, or level of intensity you are using to reach orgasm.
As to how often it is safe to use a sex toy, the answer is as many times as you feel comfortable using it. As long as you're not orgasming so much you're becoming dehydrated or getting a hand cramp then you're probably fine. Still, I think it's worth listening to the spirit of your friend's advice. Mix things up a little. Try to get off with different toys or without a toy occasionally, just to avoid falling into the habit of always getting off the same way. Variety is good, both for the fun of it and to keep your body open to coming from different forms of stimulation.
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This isn't doing it for me asks: I'm really not into vibration, what other kind of sex toys are out there?
Jay answers: Most sex toys, at least those for stimulating the genitals, seem to fall into three basic categories: vibrators, suction toys, and penetrative toys. Since vibration isn't working for you, that leaves toys designed to penetrate and toys which provide a sense of suction. Penetrative toys, also known as dildos, are ideal if you enjoy and get off from penetration. My partner (Elle) and I particularly like the Icicles, a collection of glass dildos that have ridges and bumps on them which Elle finds highly pleasurable.
anal toys for booty play enjoyable. On the other hand some people get highly aroused from stimulating their nipples and you might want to try a range of nipple clamps and balms.