New Relationship Lingerie, Lubricants Explained, Diabetes and Erections

Hello, I'm Jay, a sex-positive, kinky gentleman from Nova Scotia who enjoys answering your queries about relationships, sex, kink, and love. Let's dive straight into the depths of curiosity!

On holiday asks: I'm going on a mini vacation at the end of summer with a new guy I'm dating and I want to bring some sexy things to surprise him, but I also don't want to freak him out. What would you guys recommend I bring?

Jay answers: My initial reaction to this question was hoping I'd be able to post the answer in time before you go on vacation. I hope you have (or had) an amazing time!

My second reaction was to wonder what you'd be comfortable packing into your luggage that might freak out a new beau? Are you thinking a vibrator might make him skittish? Or maybe you have some handcuffs and a riding crop? Or a strap-on? My mind is abuzz with options that would be both sexy and possibly scary for your new partner.

My suggestion is for you to bring a handful of your favourite items - whatever they may be. Then, while on vacation, engage your new guy in a conversation about fantasies and things he'd like to try with you. Gently suggest some fantasies that line up with what you brought in your luggage and see how he reacts.
Maybe don't pack everything?

For example, if you brought a vibrator, ask him how he'd feel about watching you play with yourself and maybe taking pictures. If you brought a blindfold, ask him whether he'd be turned on by not being able to see while you went down on him. If you brought a selection of lingerie, ask him how he'd feel about a sexy fashion show where you try on sexy outfits for him. Basically, ask him about his fantasies and then suggest some of your own that could incorporate the toys you brought along.

Assuming he perks up at one of your suggestions, then you can whip out your item/toy and announce today is his lucky day! But if he doesn't seem to be excited about any of the fantasies you suggest (or mention any of his own that could incorporate your toys) then you can save the toys for another day after you've both had a chance to talk more about your desires.

Good luck and enjoy your vacation!


* * * * *

Sleek and sexy asks: I just lost a bunch of weight and want to surprise my husband with lingerie - something I've never done before. What kind of styles do men prefer?

Jay answers: Congratulations on your weight loss efforts. Getting into shape is a difficult process and it sounds like you're doing great and feeling good about the results. That's wonderful! And I feel celebrating with lingerie is a great way to make this a win-win for you and your husband.

Men love all kinds of lingerie. We like slinky and naughty and coy. We like colourful and short and .... You know what? All men are a little different in our tastes. Some love corsets and some love babydoll outfits. Some prefer costumes (like naughty maids) and some like leather. It's hard to know what your husband's specific preferences are.

However, I can say with a high degree of confidence (based partially on my own experience) that what will get your husband excited is seeing you in something new and sexy. Lingerie is as much about the idea - the fact you're dressing up in something special specifically for him - as it is the style or colour. What is likely to turn him on is that you're feeling sexy and adventurous, not the colour of your outfit or whether it is made of satin or lace.

My advice to you is to do some browsing on-line and see what captures your attention. What do you find sexy? What calls to you? Pick something you are going to feel comfortable in and try that. Finding something you feel is sexy will make you feel more confident when you surprise your husband and that will turn him on all the more.

If you're having trouble picking an outfit that feels good to you, feel free to ask the folks at Indulgence. The staff can make suggestions or let you know what is popular right now and help you find something that really shines on you. Personally, I'm an enthusiastic fan of this floral chemise. It's a little revealing while still sparking the imagination, it is available is a variety of sizes so you can find a version that feels comfortable, and it comes with a wrap you can dramatically open to surprise your husband.
A great first lingerie outfit.

* * * * *

Sliding around asks: Can you please explain the differences in lubes? I keep getting mixed up on what to use or buy. My friend says to just use coconut oil, and I bought something that burns at the drugstore. Help!

Please don't use coconut oil, or anything else that can be purchased at a grocery store. Items which are not specifically sold as lubricants (like coconut oil) often contain either sugars or chemicals which throw off your body's natural pH balance. This tends to lead to infections, such as yeast infections, and/or burning sensations.

In most situations, what you're going to want is a water-based lubricant. These are ideal for most sexual play and they pair well with toys, such as vibrators. If you're thinking of getting a lube for anal sex or anal play then there are special types of lube for anal play. Water-based anal lubes are ideal for using with toys while silicone may last longer and require fewer reapplications.
This is a good place to start.

Basically, my advice when it comes to lube is to start simple. Get a plain, water-based lube. Nothing fancy, no flavours or special properties. If that's working for you and you feel like spicing things up later then you can look at lubes that tingle or which have special flavours.


* * * * *

Raising the flag asks: My husband was recently diagnosed with diabetes and has had some erection issues. He's 45 and this is really messing with his mojo. Do you have product recommendations and just overall suggestions? He's able to get an erection, but it will disappear before he (or I) get a chance to finish.

Jay answers: I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are dealing with erection issues. That must be frustrating for both of you.

It may not be a consolation, but at 45 your husband is reaching the age where he would probably start to have trouble maintaining a long-term erection anyway, even without the diabetes. It happens, unfortunately, to all of us sooner or later. While this might sounds like a sad situation, it does mean there are a number of options out there for dealing with this because virtually all men go through the same vanishing erection issues sooner or later.

My first suggestion, before getting into products and practical options, is to address emotional concerns. Your husband is probably feeling pretty discouraged right now (and you may be too). Let him know that you still love him, that this is nothing to be ashamed of, and difficulty maintaining an erection really does happen to all guys. It's like going grey or getting eyeglasses - it's something we all go through and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. He is just as much of a man today as he was before and this is something you'll both adjust to dealing with together.

On to the more practical, day to day side of the issue, there are a number of things you can try. One simple solution that works for a lot of guys is to use a cock ring. A cock ring (or penis ring) is a band that fits around the shaft of the penis. It reduces the blood flow leaving the shaft which tends to keep guys erect longer.
A cock ring starter kit.

Your husband could also talk to his doctor about medications which can help cause (and maintain) erections. I'm not aware of any conflicts between, for example, Viagra and diabetes, but his doctor can walk him through medical options.

Should you want to try other options than a cock ring and there is a reason (medically or otherwise) to not use erection enhancing medication, there are some other ways you can address this situation that will hopefully benefit both of you. Basically, these all boil down to reducing the amount of time your husband's erection is in the spotlight during sex and bringing in some supporting players.
Introducing our first guest: sex toys!

It sounds like the two of you are accustomed to having his erection inside you during sex up to the moment of climax (for one or both of you). This is an opportunity to try some less penis-focused activities in the bedroom. Such as? Well, you could use dildos or vibrators more, either at the beginning of sex (to get you closer to climax before sex starts) or toward the end so you can finish even after his erection fades. Don't approach this as a penis replacement, but rather as a way for you to enhance the experience, whether his penis is inside you or not. Toys make great supporting cast members in the play of sex.

Since your husband can get an erection and only loses it over time, perhaps you two can enjoy penis-in-vagina sex together until it starts to fade and then switch to other exciting activities. For example, maybe he can stroke himself with his hand while you lick his shaft and use a vibrator to get off. Or he can get himself off while you talk dirty to him. Afterwards you can ask him to kiss and touch you while he uses a dildo with you until you get off.

Maybe you might both benefit from going down on each other more so that, when the moment of intercourse arrives, you're both closer to climax and he doesn't need to last as long.

Basically, my suggestion here is to broaden what you consider sexual play. Penis in vagina sex is great and it sounds like you've both been enjoying that lots up to this point. This is an opportunity to expand "what sex is" to both of you. Add some lingerie, some toys, a cock ring, more touching, more licking, find a vibrator that rocks your world and ask him to use it on you. Find ways he can enjoy being touched, sucked, and teased - whether it leads to an orgasm or not.

This may be a good time to ask him if he has any fantasies or role playing scenarios that really get him going or that you two haven't tried before. This way, when his erection needs a break, you've got lots of other pleasurable things you two can do together, and still have a sexy time.