Ask Jay: all about cock rings and clits

Hello, I'm Jay, a sex-positive fellow who hails from Nova Scotia. You had questions and we have answers!

Feeling cocky asks: How do you use a cock ring?

Jay answers: For those readers who haven't encountered one before, a cock ring (or penis ring) is basically a narrow ring that fits around the shaft of a penis. The ring is typically made out of silicone and fairly narrow, with the band not much wider than a wedding band.

Men usually wear a cock ring to make it easier to achieve and maintain an erection or to make the erection firmer. How this works is the penis is inserted through the ring and the cock ring slides into place around the shaft, usually close to the base. The ring allows blood to flow into the penis, causing it to become erect, while slowing the flow of blood leaving the area. This helps the penis fill up and stay hard. It's sort of like squeezing the end of a balloon shut after blowing air into it.
Just like a penis. A colourful penis.

Usually the cock ring is put on early in the arousal stage, while the penis is about to become (or is starting to become) erect. The ring stays in place during foreplay and sexual intercourse. Then the ring is slipped off when the erection is no longer desired.

While most cock rings are fairly simple in their design, just a straight forward band of silicone, it is possible to get more interesting rings. Some have attachments and some vibrate, which may feel good to either the wearer or their partner.
A classic in erection effection!

While wearing a cock ring is fairly safe, I'd caution against getting one which fits too tightly. The ring should feel snug in order to do its job, but it shouldn't feel like it's gripping or digging into the penis. Also, I wouldn't suggest wearing one for prolonged periods, say an hour or more. Take the cock ring off after half an hour and give the blood a chance to flow freely from time to time.

 

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Do I need to provide a map asks: Your insights have been very helpful in the past. Could you do me a solid and explain to men how to find the clit?

Jay answers: At the risk of sounding like I'm in a joke about the difference between the sexes, it can be difficult to give a man directions to the clitoris. It's an awkward thing to bring up and most people don't like being told they're doing something wrong.

There are general ways of describing where the clitoris is...
  • It's about halfway between the top of the vulva and the vaginal opening.
  • If you're facing your partner and your index finger is inside her with your palm facing up, reach forward with you thumb to touch her body. The clit is about there.
  • Picture her private area like a two-person kayak. If her vaginal opening is one seat in the kayak, her clit is in the other seat.
  • Pay special attention to locations "B" and "F" on this very not safe for work page which includes pictures.
Try to unfocus your eyes and look at the person holding the paddle...


While these sorts of tips may be helpful in the abstract, I think we may be moving the problem just one step further down the road. After all, if you're hoping to educate people on how to find your clit, in order to avoid an awkward conversation are you going to send them a link to this post? (Or hope they happened to stumble across it on their own?) That's just a less personal way to address the issue of your partner not finding your clit and, when it comes to sex, I believe it's better to get more personal, rather than less.

As embarrassing as it might feel, if your partner is missing the magic button, it's time to explore a few compassionate ways to educate them. For instance, if they're touching you with their fingers and missing the mark, say something like "Mmm, that feels good. Can you do that more just to the left?"

In situations where you don't feel like talking, shift your body slightly or gently take their hand and move it to where you want it. If you do this a few times they should get the hint.

Alternatively you could look up some pornography that features some good manual or oral stimulation and send them a link with a note saying: "Thinking of you. Do this to me later?" It'll be hot, provocative, and educational!

It'll be the hottest text he gets all day!


For people feeling especially bold, tell your partner you want to touch yourself in front of them. Then show them exactly where and how you like to be stimulated. Use a finger, use a vibrator. Sit them down at the foot of the bed and ask them to watch you put on a show. It'll likely be a huge turn-on for them and, again, educational. Plus chances are you'll get an orgasm out of the experience.

I'm a big fan of the idea good lovers are taught, not born. So I recommend taking your partner by the hand, literally, and guiding them to where you want them to focus. Be the change you want to feel in the world!s