Ask Jay: Bondage, sex positions, and restoring self-image

Hello, I'm Jay, a sex- and kink-positive fellow from Nova Scotia. Today I'm here to answer some of the questions people have sent us.

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Trying to be knotty asks: Rope, tethers, cuffs, tape. How do I figure out what’s the best type of restraints for beginners?

Jay answers: Welcome to the wonderful world on bondage! Getting handcuffed or tied up can be an exciting way to roleplay and explore some kinky fantasies.

Which type of restraining material you use (cuffs, tape, rope, etc) I think will depend on what sort of scenario appeals to you when you picture being bound (or restraining someone else). For example, if you picture having your hands secured to the head of a bed while your partner does naughty things to you, then may I suggest starting with wrist cuffs. Handcuffs, especially metal handcuffs without any padding, are hard on the wrists and are likely to be both less comfortable and more likely to cut off circulation. A wrist cuff is often made of a softer, wider material such as leather. A wide wrist cuff should make the scene more comfortable and the person restrained will be able to stay in position longer.

These are a good example of a comfortable cuff

On the other hand, if you fancy being tied to a chair or wearing a complex rope harness then I'd strongly recommend starting with a soft rope. Don't forget to get a set of safety scissors too as rope can cut off circulation and it's better to snip the rope than leave a person in an uncomfortable position while you untie them.

You are bound to enjoy it

I've only used bondage tape a few times and it does have its place. It's particularly good for situations where you are roleplaying a scene such as an abduction or interrogation. The tape has a limited number of uses, so I'd recommend it for a scenario you want to act out just once or twice. Bondage tape tends to be colourful and it can make for some lovely pictures if you want a memento of your scene. If you plan to make bondage a regular part of your naughty experiences then I'd suggest getting toys which are reusable like rope and wrist cuffs.


Shiny and sticky

Finally, I'd like to offer a few general safety tips. Regardless of what type of bondage equipment you get, always remember a few key factors to keep your play safe:
  • Make sure the person you restrain in the scene can either escape or has a backup plan to get out of bondage in case something happens to the person restraining them. If the person doing the tying falls or becomes ill the person being restrained needs a way out. This could be facilitated with a knife or a set of keys within reach, or a safety call from a friend.

  • Loss of circulation is dangerous. If a person's hands, feet or arms go numb, cut them loose right away.

    Always have safety scissors

  • Be careful about the position a person is in when they are restrained. Some positions can cause muscle pain or pinched nerves. Give your partner some wiggle room when they are tied up.

  • Make sure the person being restrained has a safe word, something they can say (or do in cases where they are gagged) which indicates they need to be untied right away.

  • I recommend watching some tutorials on-line or, where possible, attending a rope workshop. Bondage is both a lot of fun and something which requires a bit of practise to do well, so consider attending a class (virtual or in person) where you can learn how to restrain someone safely.

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Bound to you asks: We just bought the Saffron handcuffs for our next date night and are really excited to use them. What are the best sex positions for restraint play?

Jay answers: Congratulations on the new cuffs! As I mentioned above, handcuffs are good fun. Especially wider cuffs or cuffs made of something soft as the Saffron cuffs are. Good choice!


They are bound to be a hit!

Which position you'll get the most pleasure out of might depend on which one of you is getting cuffed and what the other person will be doing to them. Personally I'm a big fan of handcuffing my partner to the head of the bed, placing her on her back. Then blindfolding her, and using various toys on her. She gets to lay back and relax while I run ice, feathers, and fingernails over her skin. I can also use vibrators easily in this scenario and we can have missionary sex in this position. The same is true if we swap places - she can go down on me or ride me as she likes if I'm handcuffed to the headboard.

Handcuffing someone to a chair with their hands behind their back and then blindfolding them is also a great way to set them up to be teased with various toys and sensations. Plus the sitting position makes it ideal for the bound person to use their mouth on whatever body part you happen to place in front of them.
Do not try this at work, HR doesn't like it 

If you have two sets of handcuffs you can use them to cuff a person's wrists to their ankles (each set of cuffs attaches one wrist to one ankle). Then you can put the restrained person on their back or kneeling on all fours. Having their wrists attached to their ankles usually makes a person bend at the knees and spread their legs which leads to all sorts of possibilities.

Finally, if you have a wall hook or door hook in your home you can handcuff a person's wrists together and rest the chain of the cuffs over the hook. This leaves the restrained person with their hands over their head. You can then bite, tickle, spank, or use toys on them as you see fit.

As I mentioned before, be careful to make sure the person cuffed is in a comfortable situation. If they start to feel numb in their extremities uncuff them right away and have them move around a bit to restore circulation.

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Beautiful beyond belief asks: My wife recently gave birth to our second child and is feeling super self conscious about the changes to her body. I think she's beautiful and tell her that all the time, but she can't seem to see herself the way I do. Any advice to help her realize she's still a babe?

Jay answers: Congratulations on your new baby! This is wonderful news!

I think, at the moment, there are three things you can do to help your wife and her outlook on both herself and the probably-chaotic living situation you two find yourselves in. The first is to realize that your wife's body has gone through a lot in the past year. A lot of changes, a lot of hormones, a lot of weight fluctuations. She's probably feeling tired, spent, and like she doesn't recognize the person she sees in the mirror.
Who let this tired woman into my house? 

To top it off she's likely sleep deprived, dealing with mood swings from the after-effects of birth, and wondering if her body will ever look and feel like it did before the two of you got pregnant,

That is a difficult position to be in. Heck, any one of those items would be a lot to deal with and she's doing it while raising two children. It's amazing if she's functioning at all right now.

All of which is to say, I think it's awesome you find your wife sexy and recognize she's still a babe. Unfortunately she doesn't feel that right now. She's probably feeling pretty worn out, and more than convincing her again she's beautiful, try to be supportive of all she's been through and keep telling her how amazing she is. Not just because she's sexy, but because she's a mother, the love of your life, and a kick-ass partner. She may not feel great (about many things) right now, but eventually the baby will sleep through the night, she'll start to sleep and feel like herself again, and she'll likely start to regain her confidence.

Second, keep telling her she's a babe to you, but don't expect her to believe it. This isn't something she'll just realize one day because of one thing you said or did. It'll be a series of small steps. Keep telling her she's beautiful, keep telling her you love her, and don't expect her to change her mind about her appearance any time soon. Showing your wife she's still sexy will be a gradual process of support rather than something you fix once with the right word or phrase.

Third, the journey will probably be easier and quicker for her the more you can help her in other areas of your lives. By all means, please keep telling your wife how beautiful and sexy and wonderful she is. She probably needs to hear that right now. She probably also needs help looking after two children, eating healthy, getting as much sleep as two new parents possibly can, and having a little time to herself. If you have any spare time or energy these days, try to use it to help out even more and give her a break as much a possible. The more free time she has, the more she can eat healthy - and get the occasional nap - the more she can start to feel like her previous self.

Good luck and congratulations to you both. I wish you the best of luck with your new baby. Once your lives settle a bit and you get back to normal, I hope you'll come into the store or visit us at one of our workshops. Both options will make for a fun date night out of the house.