The deal of a life time - negotiating kink scenes

Hello fellow thrill seekers. My name is Jay and I'm a sex-positive (and kink-positive) gentleman from Nova Scotia. A few weeks ago I shared some thoughts on what BDSM and kink are along with explaining a few common terms and tips on how to find other people interested in exploring their kinks.

 

Today, let's assume you have connected, either on-line or in person, with people who have also expressed an interest in being kinky. Even better, they want to be kinky with you! They want to be tied up or they want to spank you or they want you to drip hot wax all over their feet... Whatever it is, you have discovered you both have similar interests when it comes to naughty fantasies and you're eager to try stuff out with this hot, new person. This is wonderful and exciting and you probably have some butterflies in your stomach.

It probably feels like a surprise birthday party combined with a stripper inside the cake

 

Before you rush off to do sexy, naughty things with this person, first the two of you should plan out what is going to happen. And, just as importantly, you should discuss with this new person what is not going to happen. The kink community is full of a vast variety of activities, styles, and ideas. It's important to have a plan when you are going to be entering into a kink scene with another person, especially a new person, so both people know exactly what wonderful activities they are getting into. So here are some tips I would like to share on negotiating an upcoming kink scene with a new BDSM partner.

 

During a negotiation you are equals

 

The first and perhaps most important suggestion I can give when negotiating a BDSM scene with someone new to you is to remember that, during the negotiating portion of getting to know each other, you are equals. Maybe they are older or have more experience. Maybe they are a respected kink player in your community. Maybe you want them to handcuff you to a bed, take control, call you degrading names, and spank you like a redheaded stepchild. All of that does not change the fact that, while negotiating what the two of you will do together, you are both equals. You both get just as much say in what will happen and what is not allowed to happen.

“Spank you like a what?”

 

Sometimes folks, especially dominate people in the kink community, will try to convince newcomers that they are in charge, that they know best, that "This is just the way things are done." None of that matters; during negotiations you are in charge of what you agree to do or not do. On a related note, remember that both people involved should get something out of a kink scene. Make sure that you advocate for yourself. Whether you plan to be in control during the scene or wish to give up control, whether you are the top or the bottom, whatever role you will be playing make sure you negotiate activities you will enjoy.

 

People show you who they are when you say "no"

 

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received about planning kink scenes with new people is to tell the other person "no". It doesn't really matter what you say "no" to. It could be their preferred meeting place, an activity they want to try, an outfit they want you to wear when you first meet. The specific topic doesn't matter, but the key is to tell the new person "no" in response to a request they have early on.

 

People will usually show you what type of character they are when they hear "no" for the first time. Some will walk away and stop talking to you, some will get angry and double-down on their demands, some will try to plead with you to change your mind, and some will happily accept the "no" and make an alternative suggestion.

If he looks like this when you tell him "no" then avoid them.

 

The important thing to keep in mind here is that this person will probably have a similar reaction to hearing "no" when discussing where to meet for coffee as they would to hearing "no" once they have your handcuffed to their bed. If they get mad or try to make you change your mind, then you probably don't want to put yourself in an intimate situation with them. On the other hand a person who accepts "no" with grace and a positive attitude is probably one you can feel safe around once you both shed your clothes.

 

Feel free to ask for references

 

It may sound strange or a bit impersonal to ask a person you want to do naughty things with to provide references. Negotiating a kink scene isn't exactly a job interview, so why ask for references? I have two reasons for suggesting people, particularly newcomers to BDSM, ask potential partners to provide references from other people they have played with. The first is that someone with a few years of experience should have had a handful of play partners who will either vouch for them or be willing to perform a demo scene in front of you so you can get a sense of their play style. However, someone who cannot provide references (or a demo scene you can watch) probably falls into one of two categories: they are either inexperienced or have a poor track record with previous partners.

Your resume says here you have no prior experience.

 

This is not to say that you should necessarily take a person's references at face value. A person willing to be a reference is probably a good friend or may feel shy about providing unflattering details. So take references you do get to talk to with a small dose of skepticism. However, having references or people willing to meet with you is often a good sign while a potential play partner not having anyone they can produce to confirm they are a good person should be taken as a warning sign.

 

Meet in public first

 

While I'm on the subject of getting to know someone in the early stages, one bit of advice I find useful in both kink negotiations and dating, is to meet your potential partner in a public place before meeting them for a more intimate encounter. Meeting someone in public tends to be safer than meeting alone and it also gives you an opportunity to see how your soon-to-be-scene-partner interacts with others. If you meet for coffee or a meal you can see how they talk to wait staff. Meeting at a munch, a public gathering of kinky people, shows you how other people in the BDSM community respond to your new-found friend.

This is a warning sign

Most importantly it gives you a chance to see them face-to-face and listen to your gut. Do they give you a warm and safe feeling or does something feel "off" about them? Your instincts will probably pick up on things in person that you couldn't notice when texting or chatting on-line.

 

Explain your fantasy in detail

 

Let's assume you have met your exciting, new partner. The two of you click and they seem like a safe and sane individual. So far so good. Now is a good time to share your kinky fantasies with them. You may want to check out our earlier blog post which shares tips on how to talk to someone about your fantasies for the first time. Once you start sharing what you'd like to do with them, and they seem to be enthusiastically on board, be sure to be specific about how you envision your fantasy playing out.

What? We've all had this dream. Right? Right?!?

 

When talking about something personal, like a kinky fantasy, it's common for people to be a little nervous and speak in general terms. However, the kink community is very diverse and two people might get quite different ideas in their minds when hearing the same terms. Let's say you suggest you'd like to be spanked. You might be thinking it would be fun to lay across the other person's lap and get playfully swatted on the ass while the two of you banter. They might be thinking you want to be handcuffed to the ceiling while they strike your booty with a cane.

 

You might think you want to be "objectified" in the sense of being dressed up like a cheerleader and used in whatever sexual positions the other person desires - treated as simply a fantasy girl to be objectified. Your new partner might be thinking you want to be stripped naked and treated like a piece of furniture - a literal object.

Oh yeah, that is hot!

 

It's important to be clear and detailed about what you want to have happen. And, when in doubt, be sure to ask the other person exactly what they want to do in the scene. If someone asks you to treat them like a pet, do they mean they want you to brush their hair and cuddle on the couch? Or do they wish for you to make them eat out of a bowl and play fetch? As much as possible try not to make any assumptions about what is going through your play partner's mind when the two of you describe your kinky desires.

 

Have a safeword or another way to end a scene

 

After you and your partner have talked about what fantasies you are going to explore together and you both have a good sense of what the other person wants, it's time to think about how a scene ends. When considering how a scene wraps up I feel there are two key scenarios to consider. First, assuming everything goes beautifully, how would you like things to wind down? Will the scene end with one or both of you having an orgasm? If you're playing with wax will you go until you run out of candle wax to use? If someone is getting spanked should the scene end with a cool down of some kind, a scolding, cuddles? If you are "kidnapping" someone as part of your scene, do they need to escape or do you untie them? How are they getting home afterwards?

Next time I'll pick a play partner who lives closer.

 

Often times a good kink scene builds up over time, becoming more involved or intense. But how things end might be a little less clear. Once everyone is satisfied, once the intensity is cooling off, how do both parties bring the scene to a close? Be sure to talk to your new partner about how they'd like to close a scene together and be sure to provide your thoughts on what the finale of a scene looks like in your mind.

 

The second scenario to plan for is how will the two of you bring a scene to a close if something doesn't feel right? If you're tied to a chair and gagged, what method do you have in place to let your partner know you wish to end the scene and be untied? You can't talk so do you have a noisemaker in your hand, or a ball your can drop on the floor to indicate you need things to stop? If the two of you are engaged in a scene where there is an element of role playing involved your partner might not recognize "no" or "get off" is meant or part of the play. Be sure to discuss and agree upon signals to use to make it clear when either of you want a scene to stop. Having a person call out "red" is a common approach to stopping a scene when things aren't feeling right.

 

In the second situation, where a scene is stopped early, talk about what kind of things should happen then. Do you like to be touched and cuddled when you're feeling vulnerable or sore? Do you prefer to be left alone to gather your thoughts? Talk out with your partner what a scene being stopped early because something has gone wrong should look like. A scene going wrong probably won't happen, but when you're playing with a new person it's better to have a plan in place just in case.

 

Aftercare is an important part of the scene

 

Speaking of bringing your kinky fantasy to a close, what do the two of you want to have happen after the scene is over? Often kink scenes are hot, sweaty, and intense. They tend to get the blood pumping and sometimes the adrenaline running through your veins. When the "rush" of the scene is over people often feel worn out and tired, much like you would after a heavy workout.

 

What do both of you need at that point, when you're feeling sated and tired? This time of interaction after play is over is called "aftercare" and it's an important part of the kink process - making sure both people feel good and comfortable after the play stops. Do you want to be left alone? Do you want to cuddle? Are you going to want a snack and a glass of water? Do you desire to have the other person call you the next day to check in, or do you regard this BDSM scene as a "one and done" event? Be sure to communicate clearly what you feel you'll need after the scene is done.

 

Have Plan B in place for any scene

 

In my experience most kink scenes go according to plan. People get together, they do naughty things to each other. Someone gets tied up, slapped, or zapped - and hopefully everyone goes home happy. When communication is flowing well people usually have a good time and everything runs smoothly.

 

However, there are the odd times when things do not go quite according to plan. Which is why I recommend trying, as much as possible, to look at a scene you're planning to perform with the other person and try to account for things which might be potential problems so they can be addressed before hand. After all, it's easier to deal with things going off the rails if you have a Plan B in place than if you're taken by surprise.

Even with planning this could be a challenge.

 

The trick with making a Plan B is it can be difficult to foresee what might not go as expected. So here are some starting points that I like to consider when I'm setting up a scene and hopefully you will find them useful for when you're considering what scenarios to plan for. One thing I always ask new partners is whether they have any allergies or medical issues. Do they have asthma? What about back or neck injuries which might be triggered by physical play? Likewise, if the scene is going to be either physical intense or involve verbal sparring, are there any emotional concerns we should work around?

 

Just about any scene that involves flames (such as fire play or wax play) or other forms of heat should probably be accompanied by having water on hand. A scene that involves heavy impact play or sharp objects should involve having a First Aid kit on hand. If, for some reason, you or your partner doesn't feel well after a scene and can't drive home is there someone who should be contacted (a spouse or a friend)?

This might be more help than you need.

 

Speaking of friends, if you are meeting with a new play partner, consider having a friend or other loved one check in on you during the play date. Kink scenes often make one or both parties involved vulnerable and it is a good idea to let someone know where you are going. Have them call you around the time you expect the scene to wrap up and confirm you're okay and safely on your way home. That way if you're not feeling well or the person who was supposed to untie you fell and hurt themselves your friend knows where you are and, if you don't answer the phone, will come and check on you.

 

Now you are all set

 

At this point you've found your new kinky friend, met them in public, planned out a scene in detail, decided on how aftercare should be handled, and even come up with some extra precautions in case something goes sideways during the scene. You are ready, prepared, and excited. Good job! Now there is little to do except get together and enjoy the good time you've been fantasizing about.

 

One final suggestion I have is to ease into things. When you are exploring new fantasies or getting together with new people, it's a good idea to take things slowly. You probably have all sorts of wild fantasies you want to act out, kinks you want to try, hot scenes dancing your your head you want to make a reality. Which is great. Just remember that when you're trying out new activities it's okay to try to walk before you run. Explore your new-found scenes a little at a time. Try handcuffs before being completely tied up; try light spanking before jumping into canes; sprinkle a little hot wax on your back before dripping it on more sensitive areas. That way you get a better sense of what you like and how you can fine-tune your scenes with your partner while you're still exploring the shallow end of the pool. Once you gain more comfort and trust with your new person, then it'll be easier to try more intense and wild fantasies. Have a great time!