Tips for introducing your partner to a new kink

Let's say for a moment that you have a forbidden urge inside you, a sexy secret that rattles through your brain from time to time. Maybe it starts off as a stray thought, something fanciful that blew like a tumbleweed across the landscape of your mind once. Now it comes back to visit occasionally, whispering into your mind that it would be fun to tie up your partner and run ice cubes all over her curves, or that it would be hot if he playfully spanked you before sex. Regardless of the specifics of the fantasy, it keeps drifting back into your thoughts and it sounds hot; it gets you excited now whenever you think about it.

 

Perhaps you just like that the fantasy feels different from your usual routine, or maybe its taboo elements get you hot. Whatever it is, the fantasy is taking shape, getting more specific, and you think it would be great fun to act it out with your partner. Then the two of you will be able to enjoy this kinky fantasy together! All you need to do is to tell them about it and the fun can begin!

 

 I have a secret. Would you like to hear it?

 I have a secret. Would you like to hear it?

 

Before you pop the cork on your sexy fantasy though and tell your lover what you want to do to him, or have her do to you, there are some ideas you may want to consider to make the conversation go smoothly. Discussing a new kink with your partner can be hot and exciting, but it can also be scary to pull your deeper, darker fantasies into the light of day and share them. So what can you do to try to make that first conversation go well and get the two of you engaged in your new-found naughtiness?

 

Ease them into the idea

 

The first thing to keep in mind is that you have had days, possibly months, to think about how hot it is going to be if he ties you up and ravishes you, or how sexy it would be to drip hot wax on her naked body. Most of us let kinks rattle around in our heads for a while before sharing them with our partner. You've had time to dip your toes into the fantasy pool, you've considered the kink, polished your fantasy in your mind until it shines. Your partner, on the other hand, is about to hear about it for the first time.

 

Don't threaten me with a good time!

 

You might have thought about it for a year - how exciting it would be to spank her, pull her over your lap, flip up her skirt, and smack her bottom. It warms your blood and gets your heart racing just considering it now. You're excited and eager to get started! Your partner though is about to consider the idea of this kink for the very first time. It's a good idea to ease them into the concept, giving them time to ponder how they feel about it, and catch up to where you are. So take it slowly.

 

It is probably not going to go well if you suddenly tell your partner over dinner that you want to tie her up, blindfold her, and slap her ass until it's red. That's a fully formed, down-the-road version of your fantasy. Try starting her off with just a taste of your kink. Ask her how she might feel about trying some handcuffs or having her hands tied during sex. Ask her if she'd enjoy having her bottom slapped during an intimate moment. If she responds positively then you can try a little piece of your fantasy, and if it goes well, suggest adding more elements. The key here is that you probably have full, detailed fantasies. Try breaking it down into smaller, bite-sized pieces so that your partner can absorb them a little at a time.

 

Be positive

 

A second thought to consider is that your kink, whatever it is, is something you believe will make you feel good, will make you happy. Your fantasy might be taboo or unconventional. It might feel dark and forbidden, but it is ultimately something that will make you feel good and, hopefully, will be fun. In short, your kink is something that is going to be positive for you. A lot of people worry that their kink may put off their partner, that it will make him uncomfortable, or even make him judge you for wanting what you want. This can make people hesitant to bring up kinks they want to try, or cause them to portray their own kink in a negative light.

 

My suggestion is to present your kink as a positive thing you and your partner _get_ to try together, not something unpleasant your are burdening them with. Some people try to bring up their kinks and get stuck almost apologizing for having their fantasy while trying to share it with their partner. This can put a negative spin on your kink in your partner's mind even while you are trying to promote the idea.

 

Consider what it would be like to hear, “So I have this idea, and it's sort of weird, and I hope you don't mind, but it would be cool if you, if it's okay, spanked me before sex?” Then consider an alternative: “You know what I think would be a fun thing for us to try together? I think it would be hot if you tried spanking me a little before sex. What do you think?”

 

The two approaches convey more or less the same idea and the same question, but one shares your positive view on the fantasy while leaving the door open for your partner to comment. The other approach paints the fantasy with a negative brush before your partner even hears what it is. In short, I think it is important to share your kinks in a positive light so your partner understands this is something exciting you want to share with him, not a burden you are asking them to endure.

 

No means no

 

The third thing to consider is, unfortunately, your partner may say “no” to your fantasy. It is important to hear and respect this “no”, if it happens. And, for that matter, not to be too discouraged. There are lots of reasons a person might initially say "no" to a new kink. Maybe he is just surprised and is taken aback because the fantasy is unusual to him. Maybe she tried a similar kink in the past and it didn't go well, but you two can talk it out and come up with an approach that works for both of you. It's possible that your kink is associated with some kind of fear or trauma your partner has, in which case it could be painful for her to give it a try.

 

Try to keep in mind that your partner may turn down your idea and that is okay. Their disinterest in the kink is not a rejection of you or who you are. Maybe she feels put on the spot and is just having a negative knee-jerk reaction to your idea, but it is not a sign there is a problem with you personally.

 

It's important to let your partner say “no” to the idea. To let them know you respect their lack of interest, and to accept their “no”. Afterwards you may want to ask them why they said no to your fantasy, or ask if their “no” was a hard rejection of the idea or just a lack of interest that maybe could be negotiated further at a later time. But first let them know they can choose to not participate in your kink and that is okay. Then, later, see if they want to discuss it further with you so you can better understand each other - what makes the kink hot for you and what made it unappealing for them. 

 I can't do it today, I'm all tied up!

Make trying your kink a win-win

Sometimes a partner might hesitate to engage in a new kink because they don't know what they are supposed to do or how it will be a benefit to them. You may have this elaborate fantasy where you husband ties you up, rubs ice cubes all over your body, and spanks you with a riding crop and it's hot (oh so hot!) in your head. But as you spin this vision for him, try to keep in mind (if he's not immediately into the idea): what does he get out of it? If you want your wife to dress up as a schoolgirl and roleplay doing anything to avoid suspension then that's great, but does she get something out of the fantasy?

Who is feeling naughty today? 

 

It's worth pausing for a moment before sharing your exciting, kinky plans and try to factor in what your partner gets out of the fantasy. They will be more likely to want to try your kink if there is something in it they can enjoy too. For example, if you want your husband to take the time to tie you to the bed, maybe see if he wants to snap a few pictures of you during the process to enjoy later. If you want to toss your wife over your lap and spank her, why not offer to give her a back rub while she's laying over your legs? When your partner is going out of their way to engage in your fantasy, try to make sure they can something out of it too. Ideally, your shared kinky time should be a win-win experience for you both.

 

Start slow

 

Next, remember to take it slow. Earlier I mentioned that when you first share you kink with your partner to ease them into the idea. Mention aspects of your fantasies to them in bite-sized pieces to let them process it a little at a time. Once your lover is on board with trying your kink, take it in small steps. Maybe you want to be “kidnapped”, thrown blindfolded in the trunk of a car, driven out to the woods, tied up, and ravished up against a tree. But there are a lot of moving pieces in that plan. It's a hot fantasy, but you and your partner don't have any experience doing that yet.

 

Maybe start off with something small. Why not suggest taking a little road trip and wearing a blindfold while you're riding in the passenger seat? Or suggest a make-out session in the woods? Get a pair a beginner handcuffs and experiment with the two of you having sex at home with them. Remember, professional athletes and world-class dancers do not just walk out in front of a crowd and put on jaw-dropping performances. They start out small and practise. Once they get comfortable with a basic routine or action, then they add a little more complexity and practise again. Then they practise some more. Try to follow their example and start with small pieces of your overall fantasy. Get familiar with doing the little things - introduce a new costume, try tying his wrists together, give her some practise smacks on the bottom. Start light and, as you both grow more comfortable with your kink, add new pieces that build toward your ultimate fantasy.

 

Safety first

 

Finally, one of the most important tips I can offer is to remember to play safely. Once you and your partner have discussed your fantasy, agreed to try it (or try aspects of it), remember to stay safe. With most kinks there is an element of risk, but these elements can be minimized with some planning. Are you hoping to have warm wax dripped on your skin? Research which wax turns to liquid at lower temperatures so you don't get a burn. Also, if you plan to use candles, remember to keep water or a fire extinguisher nearby so you don't set the bed on fire. If you plan to tie up someone, take a course in rope safety. You don't want to cut off circulation to your partner's extremities or put them in a position that could pinch a nerve. Should your fantasy involve spanking or other forms of impact on your skin, look up information on how to do that safely and which parts of the body are not safe to hit.

 

 Is it hot in here or is it just these?

 

Often times your friendly, neighbourhood adult toy store can provide you with information on local classes on everything from bondage to choking to dressing up like a pet. It's a good idea to attend these events, gather some information on both what to do and what not to do in order to make sure you and your partner have a great, and safe, time.

 

Remember, having fantasies is a good and positive way to explore your sexuality. Many of your kinks you dream about may be things you can explore with your partner. Just remember to ease into discussions with them in a positive manner, listen to their feedback, and try to make the experience as positive and safe for them as you'd like it to be for you. Best of luck, my kinky friends!