Ask Jay: Oral sex, hot tubs and porn

Good day, fellow lovers. I'm Jay, a sex- and kink-positive gentleman from Nova Scotia. Today I'm here to answer questions members of our community have submitted to Indulgence.

Lack luster oral asks: I'm 33 and have had a pretty satisfying sex life. Sex is great, dating on and off is great (aside from COVID), and masturbation is great. The only thing that's not great is when a guy goes down on me. It's only happened a couple of times - once in highschool and again with a guy I was recently dating. I absolutely hated both experiences. I don't know if it's an insecurity thing or if someone can actually hate receiving oral. But any advice to make it more enjoyable would be amazing.

Jay answers: Congratulations on the great sex and pleasant dating experiences. That is wonderful to hear! As for your question about oral sex, it's certainly possible for someone to dislike receiving oral sex. Pretty much any sexual pleasure (positions, intensity, the body types you are attracted to) comes down to a matter of personal preference. So while it's not often we hear about lovers disliking being on the receiving end of oral sex, it does happen with some people. Now that I think of it, you're not the first person this week to tell me they weren't a fan of receiving oral stimulation, so you're not alone and this is perfectly normal.

Since you sound like you're interested in trying oral sex again and hoping to improve the experience I feel it would be worth exploring, specifically, what you did not enjoy. For example, if it physically hurt to receive oral then your next experience could probably be improved by simply asking your partner to go lightly, trim their nails, and/or use less teeth.
This is an early sign you won't be enjoying oral 

If you're feeling insecure about the experience - perhaps what you look like down there or what you taste like - then maybe suggest to your lover that you slow down oral sex. Tell the guy that you don't want him to dive straight in, but tease you more, talk to you more. Ask him to kiss up your thighs, run his finger tips around your labia, kiss your clit rather than lick or suck it. All the while ask him to talk you through it. Have him tell you what he likes about being down there, ask him to tell you what he wants to do next. The difference between okay head and great head is enthusiasm!

Perhaps most importantly, tell him to vary things up. Let him know you're new to this and you want to learn what you like. Ask him to try a variety of things - going softer and harder, faster and slower, penetrate you with his tongue at times and other times focus on your clit. Maybe getting a variety of sensations will help you pin-point what works for you and what doesn't. Perhaps you'll find things you do enjoy about oral sex by getting to experience a wider buffet of sensations.

Often times people go quiet when they are receiving oral, especially if they are new to the experience. Sometimes they're caught up in the moment and lost in their thoughts or distracted by the sensations. Other times they feel like any feedback they provide might be taken as a criticism. My suggestion for you would be to talk the guy through the experience. Practise saying things to him like, "That feels good, could you do that more to the left?" or "Mmmmm, just up a little higher, please?" or "I like that, could you go lighter and put your finger inside me?" In short, provide positive feedback and guidance to help him help you.
Basically do this, but in a positive, sexy way.


Consider incorporating a vibrator with the oral experience. Do you know what feels better than a tongue on your clit? A tongue and a bullet vibe on your clit. Some guys might think it's unusual for you to request a vibrator be used during oral sex, but I've talked before about how to make adding toys a fun addition to any sex scene.

I'd like to acknowledge that it is possible you may either be a person who does not like oral sex, or a person who just didn't like oral sex with these guys. Not everyone has chemistry in all ways with another person. Sometimes people's styles don't line up, or they have scratchy beards, or their tempo doesn't match ours. That happens sometimes and, assuming you're enjoying the other sexual activities you're engaging in with these gentlemen, that is okay. Or maybe you may just be a person that doesn't get a tingle from oral sex and that is okay too. Different people have different tastes and if you're not into oral, then I encourage you to explore other exciting activities with your partner.

Finally, I'd like to suggest two oral encounters is a small sample size. I'd suggest giving it a few more tries, possibly incorporating the advice I offered above, before throwing in the towel. Try some variation, try some toys, take it slow, and maybe try oral with another partner and see how it goes. If you still hate it, then there is nothing wrong with closing the book on oral and focusing more on the bedroom activities you do love.

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My co-pilot is flying solo asks: My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two years. Recently, he's become really uninterested in sex - but I've walked in on him watching porn and know he's been saying no to the real thing and yes to the porn thing. Do you have any advice/product recommendations for us? I'm getting pretty frustrated with the situation.

Jay answers: I'm sorry, this is a frustrating discovery and it must be unpleasant to learn your boyfriend is expending his sexual energy on his own while you're looking to connect and share that energy together.

You asked about advice and product recommendations to get the two of you back on track and reintroduce some spice to the relationship. My first bit of advice would be to ask your boyfriend - while you're both calm and clothed - why he has been releasing his sexual tension while watching porn rather than with you. What happened recently that caused him to be less interested in sex? And then, as difficult as it mght be, just listen to the answer without judgement. This may be uncomfortable, but try to hear him out without responding right away so you can think about what he's saying and consider how the two of you can improve the situation.

I suspect one of a few things has distracted his focus. Maybe he's stressed and masturbating on his own gives him stress relief in a way it's hard to experience with another person present. In which case helping him find other ways to unwind could make him feel better and get you more of the intimacy you desire.

Maybe he's craving variety and streaming porn offers that in spades. If that's the case then perhaps some new lingerie or trying out a new fantasy could be helpful to getting the focus back on you two.
I'm feeling focused already! 


Maybe he didn't realize how much you were looking forward to sex and intimacy with him and, now that he knows you want more of his sexual focus, he'll put aside the porn and initiate with you more often.

From what you wrote it sounds like the two of you either live together or spend a lot of time together and perhaps the two of you are just in a rut. If this is the case then deliberately planning some date nights, talking about fantasies you both want to try, making specific plans to have fun together and be naughty would be helpful. Try to plan some new stuff to do together, not just stuff in the bedroom, but in general. Mix up your routine and do things together to try to get some of that "dating and adventure" energy flowing. I've written some tips for reigniting a sex life that has tapered off in long-term relationships. I hope you find them useful.

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About to get wet asks: My wife and I recently got a hot tub - what would you recommend for fun stuff that's waterproof? We're pretty open to almost anything!

Jay answers: Congratuations on the new hot tub! Exploring sexy fun in a hot tub makes you two sound like my kind of people!

Before I get into suggestions on things to try, I want to share a few things people probably should not do. It can be dangerous to experience any kind of sexual penetration in the water. It's not a good idea to have penetrative sex or to use dildos under water. The reason is: water gets trapped inside a person and does not compress, so when you push something into the body behind the water, the pressure gets applied to the inside of the person's body. This can cause damage and a trip to the hospital.

I'm not sure what the normal acidity levels in a hot tub are, but I think they're just slightly over that of water (which has a pH of 7). Something to keep in mind is hot tubs are warm and have chemicals in them. This may, in some cases, cause the coating of toys to break down faster. Even if it does not, I highly recommend thoroughly cleaning any toy you use in the hot tub after each session. You wouldn't want to irritate your skin (or your lover's skin) with a toy that had been soaking in the hot tub.

Okay, now that I've offered some points of caution, let's move onto the fun stuff! There are three toys in particular I love for use in the bathtub and I believe they'll work just as well in a hot tub.

The first is the We-Vibe Wand. It's a powerful vibrating toy with multiple settings for different patterns and speeds. It's waterproof and it can be remotely controlled. This means your partner probably won't need to take the toy out of the water to adjust its settings; either of you can tweak its intensity and buzzing patterns with your phone.

This wand will make your lust and hot tub boil!

 

The second is the Satisfyer, or any other waterproof clitoral suction toy. I swear almost half the women I know have one of these on the edge of their bathtub so it must be doing something right!

The third toy I'd suggest taking for a test drive in the tub is the Chorus. Like the We-Vibe Wand, it is waterproof and can be remotely controlled from your phone. Plus it's small and relaively quiet, which means you could probably use it without anyone else in your yard noticing what you're doing.

Finally, though I personally haven't tried this toy in the tub, as long as you remember to insert this toy before you get into the water, you might want to try out a collection of butt plugs. There is a nice beginner set with a variety of three plugs of different shapes and sizes which are good for him or her. Plus each one has a little handle making it easier to remove. Again, don't put these in after you get into the tub as you don't want to trap water inside your bodies, but it should be safe to insert one of these plugs before going for a soak.

Enjoy the hot tub and let me know what your favourite toy in the tub turns out to be.