How I learned to stop worrying and love her vibrator

Hello fellow Internet travellers, my name is Jay. I'm a sex-positive, inquisitive man from Nova Scotia and I'm here today to talk about men, our occasionally negative views on ladies' sex toys, and how we can make these toys seem more welcome in the bedroom.

Start with a warm greeting

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in observing that some men (certainly not all, maybe even not most, but some) can be insecure about their sexual performance and sexuality. As men we often worry that we aren't big enough, have enough stamina, get hard consistently enough, or perform well enough. There are lots of reasons for this, and I'm sure entire books have been dedicated to where these insecurities come from on both a biological and social level. I'll gloss over the sources of these insecurities for now, but I think we can generally agree that many men are worried about being too small, about not being able to get & stay hard, or about being skilled enough to please their partner. And, wherever these insecurities come from, I feel it is safe to say these thoughts largely centre around the idea that men (at least straight men) want to be enough in order to win over and keep a lady lover.

 

Unfortunately these insecurities can manifest themselves in negative ways. Men might not only be concerned about satisfying and keeping a lover, but also see other men as competition; rivals who need to be watched and guarded against. Men often see other men as threats - to themselves, to their partners, or to their status - and it often raises questions (perhaps sub-consciously): is he bigger than I am, is he more skilled than I am, can he satisfy her in ways I cannot?

Yes, yes he can.

How sex toys fit in

 

I bring all of this up because it's fairly common for me to hear from ladies that their boyfriend or husband is either uninterested in, or hostile toward, the idea of her having sex toys. These ladies have discovered their male partners don't want to introduce vibrators, dildos, and plugs into the bedroom. The guys may not give a specific reasons for this disinterest in adult toys, but there is often a general sense of low-level hostility toward these devices and having them in the bedroom.

Some times the hostility is more apparent than others

 

I believe much of the reason for this objection on the part of men to their partners having sex toys is connected to the ever-present sense of sexual competition men often feel towards each other. If we accept the idea that many men see each other as competition then I believe it becomes clear why adult toys would trigger a negative reaction. A sex toy doesn't get tired, a vibrator never fails to perform, dildos can be as large (or curved) as desired, a toy can always be placed to hit the right spot. It's virtually impossible for a man to keep up and compete with a quality sex toy and, to add fuel to the fire, many toys are shaped like male genitalia. In a low-level, lizard part of the brain, I think many men see a lady's vibrator and react to it emotionally the way they would a rival suitor... or the genitals of a rival suitor.

 

I'm not suggesting men see a vibrator and consciously have the thought that it looks like another man and therefore should be fought and banished. However, I do think that, in some men, there is an underlying sense of concern that this toy might be able to do what he cannot. That the toy can somehow replace him, or at least usurp his role as his lover's sexual partner. Assuming this is true, does it provide us with a way of trying to address and remove this concern so that adult toys are regarded as something positive to share rather than something that can challenge a man in the bedroom? If a man is reluctant to explore or share toys, can we make them more appealing?

With the right presentation anything can be made more appealing

 

I think the key to making a lady's toys more appealing to men is getting across the idea that the toy is a nice addition to sex and intended to enhance the experience rather than replace anyone's role. The toy's presence will hopefully be presented as cooperative rather than competitive. I feel like this can best be achieved by having a conversation prior to sex (possibly while still calm & clothed) about how the toy can be used together during intimate moments in a way that will make you both feel good. Here are some suggestions I have found helpful when trying to explore toys together and I hope they prove useful for you too.

 

Your partner is the ice cream, the toy is the sprinkles

 

The first point I feel can be helpful is trying to make it clear why you want to use toys together and that these toys do not replace your partner. Presumably you enjoy your partner because he's kind, witty, skilled, makes you feel safe, offers companionship, maybe offers warm cuddles late at night. There are lots and lots of things you like about him (hopefully) apart from his skills in the bedroom. No toy, no matter how many attachments and speeds it offers, can replace the human connection you two share. Toys are not a threat to him and his position. You may enjoy toys, maybe even a lot, but it may help to make things clear up front that the toys are not a substitute, just an add-on.

 

Isn't he yummy?

 

An analogy might be helpful. Your relationship is like ice cream. Wonderful on its own. It's sweet, filling, a tasty dessert. Adult toys are like chocolate sprinkles. Lots of people like sprinkles on their ice cream, they can (when used as a special treat) enhance the dessert. However, sprinkles on their own are dull and uninteresting. No one wants to trade in their full dish of ice cream for just the chocolate sprinkles. Remind your partner that toys are just sprinkles to add a little something extra to your experiences together, and are in no way a replacement for the connection you two share.

 

Start fresh with new toys

 

It could be that your partner may object to the toys stashed in your nightstand not because of the toys themselves, but because they're reminders of your sexual past. A guy can be fairly comfortable with toys in general, but uncomfortable with the constant reminder that this was a toy an ex-boyfriend got for you. Or maybe he associates your existing toy with you enjoying solo play and being unconnected to him. My suggestion is to invite him to go toy shopping with you, in person or on-line in order to find something that can belong to you both. It not a bad policy to match a new partner to a new toy.

 

Meet my friend Wanda.

 

Not only does getting a new toy together wash away associations with past lovers, it is also a chance to get your man invested in the new toy. If he's providing feedback and helping to choose the new toy then he is more invested in it and sharing in its successful use. As an added bonus, going toy shopping together can be a great way to break the ice and share what each of you likes. Show him what appeals to you and tell him why. Ask him which toys or fantasies stir something in him and make note of them for later when you're dreaming up fantasies to explore together.

 

Consider toys that can be enjoyed during intercourse

 

One reason some men are put off by sex toys for women is that he feels the toy is there to get her off because he cannot. If the two of you are enjoying sex together and then it stops and the toy is brought into play as he is being removed from the scene it's clear to see why he feels as though he is being replaced. Sometimes men climax first and, as they are exiting stage left, a toy takes their place in order to help the woman of the couple climax. This is practical and certainly beneficial to the lady, but can make the man feel like he is no longer the key contributing factor to her enjoyment.

 

The above scenario may or may not ring true, but I like to suggest couples explore toys that can be used easily during sex, not just before or after the man is inside his partner. Smaller toys such as bullet vibrators, toys with more curved handles, and other toys that place focus on clitoral stimulation are a good place to begin. These might be better received than penetrative toys that will seem more like a boyfriend substitute than a sexy enhancement.

 

Three's company

 

Encourage him to experiment

 

While on the subject of using a toy together during sex, it may help to ask your partner to use the toy to stimulate you rather than using it yourself. If you are using the toy during or after sex to get yourself off, then he won't feel like he has a key role to play during sex. To him it looks like the toy is doing most of the work and likely getting most of the credit. But if he is using the toy, is directing it, getting to see how you react to its touch, then he can feel like he is the one pleasuring you. The toy becomes a tool, an extension of his efforts rather than something he is competing with. By all means, offer him some direction, suggest ways he can fine-tune the experience, but I find it much sexier when I'm using a toy to stimulate my partner rather than having her guide it herself. I like being part of the process.

I was helping when this picture was taken too

 

Make toys foreplay and him the final act

 

Some men may feel as though the toys are stealing the show at the end of sex. If the toy is what is pulling your pleasure carriage over the hilltop, then he may feel as though his role during sex is less important. Something which can help with this is to make the toys a bigger part of foreplay with the focus on his contribution coming in toward the end.

 

A lot of guys enjoy using remotely control toys like the Vibrating Bullet. These can be great toys to slip into your panties before a date to get things started downstairs. Other toys like the We-Vibe Wand can be used when he is out of the home. His phone can connect to the Wand and help tease you before he even gets back. Then you are already halfway mad with desire by the time he walks in the door and he gets to enjoy the glory of the sexual finale. The toy helped get things started, but he gets to be there for the climax.

 

Good job!

 

The journey should not be one-sided

 

Throughout this post I have talked about why a man might be reluctant to enjoy sex toys with his partner or how he might feel threatened by his lover having toys for her own private play time. I've talked about common male insecurities and concerns. Reading through some of the above tips it may seem as though I'm suggesting men's egos are fragile and they need to be guided with kid gloves through the whole sex toy experience. It may seem like I'm telling ladies to throw out all their old sex toys, replacing them with male-partner-approved items, and using those toys to focus on making him feel like a stud.

 

I would like to clarify that my intention here is not to encourage women to hand over control of their sex toys and sexual experiences to the whims and insecurities of their partners. If you have and enjoy adult toys then you should, by all means, continue to use and enjoy those toys. If your partner refuses to budge on the topic of using toys together, then that is his loss and you should continue to enjoy your toys (with or without him).

 

This may be extreme

 

I suspect once your male partner has been introduced to some positive sexual adventures that co-star toys you two have picked out together, he will be more enthusiastic and positive about toys, both shared and enjoyed independently. I believe my advice still holds if we swap the genders and view the above post as a guide for men who wish to introduce new toys to their lady lovers.

 

I find it is often helpful to put the less experienced partner temporarily in the driver seat so he or she can set the pace of a new adventure. In this case I'm sharing tips specifically on introducing men to a lady's sex toys. In other posts I may be talking about men introducing ladies to new experiences (toys or activities) and in those cases I will suggest doing similar things to make the ladies feel more comfortable and having them set the pace. Ultimately - regardless of the specific activity being explored - both people should strive to cooperate together as equal partners. I wish you the best of luck in your new, sexy adventures.